Lingering fears
by MasteringtheMachine
Summary: Nathan thought he'd overcome his troubles, but is still haunted by what happened to him as a child. This time though, when Nathan tells, someone is there to listen. Established Simon/Nathan. Mentions of Noncon!


Written for this prompt over at the kink meme: _Nathan has trouble when it comes to sexual relations with men because of some messed up things that occurred in his childhood, so when Simon finally wants to go all the way, conflict arises. Nathan should have to tell Simon what happened. I'd love to see the vulnerable and more damaged side of him_

Warnings/possible triggers: Mentions of _non-consensual_ situations with a minor. Swearing. Male/male kissing

Pairing: established Simon/Nathan

Genre: Hurt/comfort, romance

Rating: M

– o – o – o – o – o – o –

He'd never been bothered by it before, not when he'd been with girls anyway. Maybe it was because he was always the one in control, or simply because it was a completely different experience. Whatever the reason, he'd been unable to stop his reaction when Simon had pushed him down on to the mattress and started working his jeans off.

_No, no, no, no..._ It was as if the rational part of his mind had been fogged with panic and he couldn't see through it. It pulled him in, away from his place beneath Simon and back into the crawling hands of his mothers ex-boyfriend. Nathan could feel _his_ breath against his neck, sensed the tears of shame and anger hot against his cheeks, heard the whispering voice in his ears. _"It'll be our little secret. Promise me you won't tell anyone, they wouldn't believe you anyway."_

That did it. He arched his back violently, trying to buck the attacker of his body. Simon seemed to think that he was being urged on, for he quickened the pace and started pulling his own clothes of.

_Not again, not again, no, no, _no_... stop, stop, STOP!_

An ear-piercing wail, unlike anything he'd ever uttered before, tore through the air and he kicked, needing to free his limbs from his captor.

Simon, in contrast to the man who ghosted in his memories, was off him in an instant, his concerned voice breaking through his haze. "Nathan? Whats wrong?"

The boy stilled, the mist clearing from his mind and easing him back into reality where he sat, panting and shaking, on his mattress at the community center. It took him a minute to realise that he wasn't, in fact, back in his old home, and another to register that he had company. _Oh god, I must have looked like such a dick. Shit._

His gaze snapped up and Simon was quick to meet his eyes, the question still hanging in the air. Nathan drew a long, shaky breath. "Nothing, I'm fine. Please, continue."

Simon wasn't buying it. "You're clearly lying. Did I... do something wrong?"

"No, no," he was quick to reassure him. No need to go bashing at his boyfriends confidence. "Just, um, not in the mood. Maybe some other time." Simon raised an eyebrow at that and reached out to touch him–

Nathan jerked back violently, his body still on high alert from the flashback. As soon as he realised what he had done, he felt his face grow warm with the unfamiliar feeling of humiliation. Unsurprisingly, this only further prompted Simon to worry. "What's happening to you? Are you sick or something?"

He swallowed. To tell, or not to tell? If he did, then he'd have to bear Simons looks of pity every time their eyes met, or worse still, he wouldn't be believed, just like when he'd tried to tell his mother... on the other hand, if he remained silent, Simon might keep pushing. He'd start to wonder why Nathan wouldn't sleep with him. He'd feel insecure. Fuck, he might even end it!

"I..." he hesitated. "I seem to have developed, um, _intimacy _issues."

"Can I ask why?"

Nathan fought the urge to snap. Instead, he closed his eyes, hoping to will away the feeling of unease which had clamped around his stomach. Head bowed, he forced himself to voice the memories of his pst. "I was... abused when I was younger. Sexually, by mums ex. I told her, she didn't believe me, _he _got even worse when he found out I'd squealed." he was speaking quickly, describing the situation as vaguely as he could. "He moved out eventually and I thought that I wouldn't have to think about it again. I was wrong, and freaked out. I didn't think it'd be any different, being with you, since I've never had problems before. Apparently though, girls are different."

Simon didn't say anything and as the silence stretched on, Nathan began to worry that he'd scared him off. He looked up, and was startled to find that he was being stared at with intensity. He let out a shaky laugh, not comfortable with the tension. "Anyway, that's it then. Guess we can't go all the way, so you might want to find someone ready to put out–"

"No!" Strong fingers grabbed hold of Nathans wrist before he could get up and Simon started rubbing slow, slightly awkward circles in an attempt to calm him down. "I-I'm sorry... That you had to go through that by yourself."

Nathan bit his lip, feeling more self-conscious now than he'd ever felt in his life. He didn't know what to say or how to act. The relief of being believed blended with the unease of someone else _knowing._ Simon had power over him now and although he knew it wouldn't be used against him, it still made him feel vulnerable.

For once, Simon seemed to know what he needed. Gently, he leaned over, his chapped lips brushing against Nathans. Then, ever so slowly, found Nathans hand and moved it so that it was pressed against Simons chest. His other hand found its way to his waist and they moved in unison. After some time, Simon leaned back so that it was Nathan who was towering over him, and they held this position until they both had to break apart for air.

Being the one in control was a relief and he could feel his confidence returning, but decided not to act on it. Instead, he let his muscles grow lax and he slid down beside the other man, his hand still lingering at his waist. Simon drew him into a hug, not commenting when Nathan buried his head in the crook of his neck.

Emotions Nathan had no experience in dealing with where demanding his attention. Simon must have sensed the change of mood, because his hands wrapped around the others lithe frame and he held him tight.

Simon didn't let go when the tears started dribbling down the side of his chest. He didn't push Nathan away when his body started shaking with sobs that had been waiting for years to emerge. He didn't complain about how Nathans whimpers kept him up until the early hours of the morning.

Simon clung to him all night long, desperately wishing that he had the power to make Nathans pain go away.


End file.
